My Heart Aches

Written on June 16, 2010 by Sharla in Life

My Heart is Aching

I know I’m not the first parent, nor will I be the last parent to feel the physical pain of the “parent” heart.

It’s been a bit shy of a month or so but it’s been really bad the past couple of days…my oldest child, Skylar is a beautiful 6 year old girl. She’s still figuring life out, like we all are, but I just don’t know what else to do with how she’s been treating her 3 year old brother, Parker.

I know that most siblings fight off and on but 99% of the time Skylar wants nothing to do with Parker. She seems to care more about her things, her possessions, her toys, her art supplies, than her own brother…she doesn’t want him to be around her, doesn’t want him to play with her things, doesn’t want him to play with her except for the random occasion when she has company over or we go somewhere, but even then it’s slim to none.

Skylar just tells Parker what to do all day long, she doesn’t even seem like a child at times- she’s so concerned with what Parker is doing and how he’s doing it that I feel at times her head is going to pop off she’s so upset.

Have to Admit

I remember as a child that I was always bossing my brother around when we were growing up. I remember thinking to myself that I was a neat freak and my brother was a slob so I was constantly picking up after him and ratting him out to mom that he left something out of it’s place again.

My mom wasn’t that way, I was that way until the past ten years, and now it seems my own daughter has an even more extreme personality towards her brother than I did and I rips my heart open…

I haven’t yet processed this to allow my inner wisdom to give me some guidance, I just had to get this out of me though to get the process started…

To see Parker with all this life, vibrancy, energy, and sheer joy most of the time-although he’s defiant on occasion-he’s seriously an outgoing child that has a zest for life, only to be shadowed by his sister that just yells at him, tells him to buzz off, when all he wants is someone to play with…

Lesson’s Learned

Being a parent has topped the list when it comes to lessons learned.

Here are the Top 3 Lessons:

I’ve learned how difficult it is to parent and have much more empathy and feelings of I’m sorry for how I treated my own parents for judging them so harshly while growing up.
I’ve learned that even if there is a parenting plan in place that modifications have to be made because of personalities or particular situations that one can’t really 100% prepare for.
That my kids show me more of who I am on a daily basis-that’s freakin scary.

445920 ms My Heart Aches

Not Hiding My Heart

You know I have heard of people “hiding their heart” in certain situations, to “protect” themselves from possible pain. To a certain degree I can understand that but not really…You see I know of a man who’s been so hurt by two women in his life, one he was engaged to and the other married to. They both ripped his heart out and so now he’s refused to get married again because he doesn’t want to be hurt like that any more. Well, from the outside looking in at his situation I guess it’s easy for me to place judgment, but all I have to say is WHAT IS THE POINT? The pain that we go through is the way most of us learn to do things differently next time. Pain is a normal state of existence in this lifetime, it’s what we do with the pain that makes all the difference in the world.

To hide my heart in this situation, to pretend that my kids not getting along doesn’t bother me is just silly…I’m feeling the pain that the Universe obviously needs me to feel so that I can grow and learn through this situation and be a better person on the other side.

Where as the man/woman who hides his heart to shield from pain learns little to nothing…

My heart is broken but I’m learning how to move through this and soon enough my inner wisdom will show me what I could possibly to with my kids to make things different.

Today I pray for my body to be a vessel, a conduit for cosmic consciousness to flow through me with that wisdom!

Namaste

Patrick Marybeth

Hrm.
I don't have two kids, and my one kid isn't as old as your yet. But I've been nannying now for about 2months with Maddie and I have been having similar experiences with the girl I nanny for. She's almost 4, so the age difference is a litlle smaller but I'm going to share my tips anyway. Try a proactive approach. This is not negative at all, it means not asking who did what or telling Skylar to stop bossing Parker around. If you try that approach you might well be telling her ALL day long to stop stop stop! Remember to praise and reward each time when you see kids helping each other, cooperating, working, and playing together, eating together, or just NOT fighting. We parents tend to intervene when kids engage in problem behaviors and we leave them alone as long as they are playing nicely and behaving as we expect them to. So to get our attention, children have to do something drastic. Parents need to be constantly on the look out to “catch” kids doing the right thing. When you see that, just go there and give them a hug. Even if you don't say why you are giving them a hug, their little bodies will tell them that they are doing the right thing and they will do more of the same.
It also sounds like a power thing. Try giving her some things to be responsible for. Take her to buy a chicken and tell her she's responsible for it- feeding it, watering it, collecting eggs. Give her a patch of garden and tell her she can pick out whatever seeds she wants- but it's hers to tend, plant, weed, etc. You might consider giving her “dates” with individual attention throughout the summer- I've found that putting an hour aside each week and just pouring attention into Maddie is really helpful. I turn off my phone, we go for a walk- whatever she wants to do. It's all about “filling her up.” You guys could go to the beach or out for icecream- anything. And it's not a “reward” in that you wont take it away but it is a reward because it is REWARDING. Haha.
It's also really good to do this for both of them, and maybe split it up between parents if you have to and then switch off ever week so they get time with both of you if that seems like it would work for you.
Patrick Marybeth

Hrm.
I don't have two kids, and my one kid isn't as old as your yet. But I've been nannying now for about 2months with Maddie and I have been having similar experiences with the girl I nanny for. She's almost 4, so the age difference is a litlle smaller but I'm going to share my tips anyway. Try a proactive approach. This is not negative at all, it means not asking who did what or telling Skylar to stop bossing Parker around. If you try that approach you might well be telling her ALL day long to stop stop stop! Remember to praise and reward each time when you see kids helping each other, cooperating, working, and playing together, eating together, or just NOT fighting. We parents tend to intervene when kids engage in problem behaviors and we leave them alone as long as they are playing nicely and behaving as we expect them to. So to get our attention, children have to do something drastic. Parents need to be constantly on the look out to “catch” kids doing the right thing. When you see that, just go there and give them a hug. Even if you don't say why you are giving them a hug, their little bodies will tell them that they are doing the right thing and they will do more of the same.
It also sounds like a power thing. Try giving her some things to be responsible for. Take her to buy a chicken and tell her she's responsible for it- feeding it, watering it, collecting eggs. Give her a patch of garden and tell her she can pick out whatever seeds she wants- but it's hers to tend, plant, weed, etc. You might consider giving her “dates” with individual attention throughout the summer- I've found that putting an hour aside each week and just pouring attention into Maddie is really helpful. I turn off my phone, we go for a walk- whatever she wants to do. It's all about “filling her up.” You guys could go to the beach or out for icecream- anything. And it's not a “reward” in that you wont take it away but it is a reward because it is REWARDING. Haha.
It's also really good to do this for both of them, and maybe split it up between parents if you have to and then switch off ever week so they get time with both of you if that seems like it would work for you.
sharlapatrick

Marybeth, thanks for the helpful suggestions…I will implement and let you know.
Danielle

I know exactly how you feel! Preston is very nasty Logan. Logan is so excited when Preston gets home from school and just wants to give him a hug…Preston just pushes him away. Preston plays very rough with Logan, I asked Preston if he liked playing with Logan, he said yes, I suggested that he might want to be nicer to Logan or someday Logan will not want to play with him.

I have also started “coaching” Logan to help him learn different ways of expressing himself instead of hitting Preston. I also have started using a key phrase when we play …”Please Stop”. Example: If we are tickling and we say stop, stop, stop, we know we are just playing, but as soon as some one says “Please Stop” we know to quit. So far it's been working very well.

I also have started “date” time with Preston. And that also is going very well, I think he was resentful of Logan for taking him mommy, and now he has to share. I am always trying new things and have even started going to a Child/Family Psychologist, who as given me really great ideas!

I am knowing that one day they will be best of friends, and that I have the strength and wisdom to guide them to that day.

Namate